Oh wowzers, your words speak so loudly to me. As I think you read, we’ve recently found out we can’t have our own careful dance of genetics.
I didn’t realise how important the child being mine genetically was till it wasn’t possible. We look down the two (kinda three) paths of egg donation/adoption or childless not by choice. The first two being expensive (egg donation or adopt from abroad) or adoption here can be up to 10 years waiting (and I know I don’t want that).
So many of the things you write are what’s going through my brain, I’m also chronically ill and the fertility treatment has exasperated my symptoms.
I have the question ‘chose the bigger life’ in my mind, but that’s hard to say. I also feel a hot hot mess, this process has broken me and as I pick the pieces up I’m trying to figure out what new me looks like and what she wants.
I see and hear you, thank you for writing and making me feel less alone. Sending all the big hugs 🫂
I really feel this, Sheila! The hardest part is that I’m not finding any resources for people in our position who are faced with these decisions. There are plenty of books about each path—adoption, egg donation, childlessness— but I’ve yet to find a book or resource that explores the process of deciding. You’ve pinpointed how stressful it is to be at this crossroads, grieving the loss of your biological children, and not knowing if anything will make up for that. It’s a huge identity crisis, and also hugely stressful, as the alternative options for building a family are so time-consuming and expensive, with no guarantees. It’s a shitty place to be in, but I’m glad we have found each other so we can feel less alone in it! 🤗
Ah boomerangs I wrote a big reply and it got lost. It was probably not meant to be.
I think I’ve subscribed with the right email address this time? Fingers crossed 🤞
I’m finding the same, not a lot out there for the crossroads. It seems you need to have made the decision before the books and groups become useful.
I did find a woman who does a childless not by choice horseshoe, a space for people to share and with certain activities each week. I asked her about crossroads people and she said the group she has open wouldn’t be suitable but would considering opening another if there was interest. Would you be interested? I don’t know what her minimum number would be or if the timezones would line up.
Perhaps we should be the writers of the crossroads book/s.
An identity crisis it’s true! I’m questioning EVERYTHING! I’ve even changed what I’m wearing as I felt like bright colours, that I usually wear, don’t fit with the pain I’m feeling.
I’m very pleased I happened upon your page at the right time, thank you universe and thank you for ✍️💚
I’ve messaged the woman, you’re in New England USA right? Just for the time differences. She says she may be able to put a group together for us. I’m feeling in need of a group to hash out things together, this woman does one to one, but shared experience is what I’m craving right now!
I’m so grateful for the Substack universe bringing us together, I’m so happy to be in your inner circle. It’s come at the right time!! 💚💚
No news of yet, I’ve passed on our interested and will keep you updated 🫶💚 Thank you for writing and making me feel less alone with your beautiful words.
I haven’t heard of Soundings, Joy! I’ll add it to my reading list. Thank you for the recommendation.
The weight of these foster care cases is intense. I’m not allowed to share the details publicly, so my story is missing a big part of the story, though my earlier posts have alluded to some of the circumstances. It’s a much different path than biological parenthood, which of course comes with its own set of challenges.
I, too, I am intoxicated by my dream journey up north. Of course we never know how things will pan out, but our dreams give us hope to hang on to. ❤️
I’m way past parenthood age. I’m married, wanted children, because of other marriage issues let it not happen and deeply regret it,
One thing that seemed to me to be missing from the adoption calculus is that (hopefully) you and Seth would fall in love with these kids. I’d think the weighing of , e.g., being awoken at 5AM vs. sleeping in becomes much different when you aren’t awoken, say, by a noisy garbage truck but by a son or daughter you love. That would be the goal, anyway, it seems to me.
Thank you for sharing, Virginia. I feel your grief at missing out on motherhood. That’s one thing I ask myself: if I don’t have children, will I ever be OK with it? I hope all the love and snuggles of having little ones would be worth the sleep deprivation and overwhelm. But it’s a different thing to be contemplating the demands of parenthood at 44 rather than 34 or 24!
I’m so grateful for your perspective. I do fear living my life with regret.
I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. I’ve spent years back and forth with traveling and freedom and parenthood. And I did exactly the same thing as you did with looking at different perspectives. It really does make a difference! And there’s so many unknowns out there it’s hard not to be afraid of which path to take for sure. We’re not in the exact same paths but reading your words was so relatable.
I’m glad you could relate, Emily, though I know it’s not an easy place to be. At least it’s helpful to know we are not alone in our uncertainty. I would love to hear more about your story, if you’re willing to share!
There is a brand new direct-messaging option in the Substack app, if you have it. That’s the best way to have a private conversation, or reply to one of my emails!
Wow! I love watching your process. Trying things on from different perspectives. Each pathway looks inviting and makes sense. Your story has all the suspense of a great novel! I find myself rooting for the Both/And perspective. Maybe because I am also an adventurer AND I have children (grown now). I wouldn't want to have to choose, and I'm glad that I didn't have to! I feel blessed to have had kids and to have shared with them my loves of camping, hiking, skiing, swimming, yoga, volleyball, music, etc. Certainly it was challenging at times, but so growthful and rewarding. It's wonderful that you have the opportunity to "date" these kids, and I know that you will soon know what's the right road for you, and you will be at peace!
Thank you, Dhuti! You really are reading the story of my life as it unfolds. And every great plot involves the Hero’s Journey, a quest for some goal or longing, where countless obstacles emerge along the way. So I guess I shouldn’t have expected it to be easy!
You are so fortunate to have been able to live a life of fun and adventure with your children. That’s what I always imagined for myself.
I hope I will find the peace you’ve promised. I worry that I’ll always wonder where the other road would have taken me. I guess that’s one of the many mysteries of life!
Powerful writing and hard decisions. I'm not the one to offer any thoughts, having lived a totally opposite life. So I shall just send love and support during this time of decision. Whichever road you take it will work out. xox
Thinking of you! I don’t think you have two roads diverged in the woods. If this adoption doesn’t work out there could be many more. You aren’t at a crossroads you’re at a big turning point on a long hike! ❤️
Thanks Brenna! You’re right; I don’t have to think of this as my one and only chance at parenthood. It feels that way sometimes, but I don’t need to put that much pressure on myself. I love the hike analogy, and I appreciate your perspective!
I love the school of fish metaphor! Thank you for the gift of walking through those coaching perspectives.
I do react against the "boys will be boys" and "little kids will be crazy" messages of our culture. My four year old never once dumped a bucket of toys on the floor or left the table with Cheeto-colored fingers. He knew to play calmly with one thing at a time, then put it away. He also went to bed later than most kids and slept past 7. You can set your own norms. <3
Well, those were direct examples from personal observation of this boy (though his foster mom did provide hand wipes with the Cheetos). I’m told he is good about cleaning things up. Perhaps there’s hope! I always wondered why kids have to go to bed and get up so ridiculously early. I’m all for pushing the timetable an hour or two later. Thank you for the pro tips, Meredith! 😉
Admittedly having had a miserable childhood, I am highly prejudiced. Having children never ever was a desire or goal for me, having suffered a dreadful hurtful life until on my own . Just so you know where I’m coming from.
Your writing indicates you’ve had a life filled with many experiences, accomplishments and dreams fulfilled. Is there an underlying feeling of obligation or missing out , or heaven forbid, an obligation to have children in order to truly experience the ultimate female contribution/experience ?
I truly hope that your final decision will truly enrich your lives for you and your husband. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for sharing, Judith. I’m so sorry you suffered through a painful childhood. No one deserves that. It makes sense that you would want to break the cycle and live your own life.
You bring up an interesting point about society’s expectations of women. I wonder how much that has influenced my ideas about what I should be doing with my life. Having grown up with a housewife mother who only ever wanted to be a mom, I always assumed that would be my path, even as countless opportunities unfolded before me. It’s definitely something worth examining. I am grateful for your perspective!
Dearest Liz- I’ve worried that I was too blunt. Many thx for accepting my thoughts with grace. I sincerely believe you two will make the very best decision for your happy futures 💁♀️
Not at all, Judith! I’m all for speaking your mind, and I welcome everyone’s viewpoint. I find it helpful to examine the question from many different perspectives!
I can relate to your questions and would never tell you which way to point your feet. (Though I will say I’m writing this on a trip to NYC with my son in tow — and we’ve traveled joyfully with him since he was a baby — so I’m here if you ever want to explore the path of both/and.) I would add that there are many possible interpretations of this poem — I’ve taught it a few times — and they might add additional layers to your pondering (not that this question could be any more tricky to answer than it already is!). Check this out: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/
I’m so glad you shared this article, Ryan! This must be what my friend Becky was talking about—the poem having a more nuanced, tongue-in-cheek meaning than a superficial reading suggests. So it’s only in hindsight that we get clarity about our choices and can assert the rightness of our “road less traveled,” when really either option could have been satisfying. Is that how you’d summarize this, or am I still missing the point? (I’ve always been a terrible literary critic.)
How wonderful that you’ve managed the both/and of motherhood and adventure! I don’t doubt that it’s possible, but I do worry that it will be more challenging with children from foster care who have special needs (at least in terms of homeschooling and living on the road). I certainly have always dreamed of sharing the magic of the world with my kids!
In terms of the article — I do think that’s one possibility that the author is putting forward. Was it Frost’s intention? I love that the poem is constructed in such a way that the author’s intention is not entirely obvious nor does the poem lend itself to only one angle. I love teaching poetry for this reason — there’s always something new to discover, even in such a concentrated, short form. And I find that aging itself adds layers to my own interpretations. In my own memoir writing this more subtle or tongue in cheek reading has offered the invitation to consider not just the choices that I made but the coincidences over which I had no control that shaped my path. Good and bad, I can’t take all the credit or the blame. As David Foster Wallace says, the only thing that is capital-T true is that we get to decide how to see it.
Attuning to the needs of two unique children and their needs is undeniably a humbling challenge. I’m looking forward to hearing how you bring your own hard-won wisdom from the difficult peaks you’ve summited before to this new chapter. I also wonder how your work with IFS is helping you discern which path to take.
Two entirely different choices. One easy. One harder. Reading along I felt your anxiety / how joyful adventuring is for you. How frightening being suffocated by the children’s inevitable & exhausting demands. Whatever you choose you will succeed at. You are so gifted and deeply thoughtfulness. You won’t fail. You will choose the right road because both offer so much. All my best, Mimi
Thank you so much, Mimi. I appreciate your confidence in me! I’m sure both paths would have their own rewards. I trust that my heart, mind, and gut will find the answer. ❤️
Thanks for your wonderful post, Liz. I've been feeling the weight of making decisions much more than before since last year. Although i'm not like you, i can relate to Robert Frost's poem you mentioned in another way.
Despite the fact that i'm an MA grad of TEFL, I can't seem to see myself as a teacher (despite my friends and family members' reassurances that i can be a good teacher, i'm ashamed of myself for not being able to tell them that they have an unrealistic view of me in their minds), and instead i want to pursue a career in arts (one of the meanings of my first name is "an artist". Also, i was born in Shiraz, one of the Persian cities known for its artistic attractions and rich ancient history).
That is indeed a tough choice, Negar! I can feel your pull toward the arts, especially with what you share online. It’s difficult to turn away from a career that we’ve invested a lot of time and effort into. For many years I was on a PhD track in Environmental Studies. I put so many years of my life toward that dream, and then it fizzled. I think I pursued teaching because it made sense, but writing was always my passion. The problem is that I hated academic writing! I’ve found my home here on Substack. Sometimes it takes time to come around to these decisions. I trust that you will find the right path!
Thank you so much for your reply, Liz. Yes, indeed it's a tough choice for me because on the one hand, my society wants me to pursue a career in teaching. On the other hand, i want to break these shackles but haven't been able to do so (so far).
Yes Arts showed me a new way to express myself freely and through my paintings i can see this evolution. My long term goal is to work as an illustrator, or creating teaching materials for other teachers.
I felt every word of this Liz ❤️ It’s such a head fuck when conception doesn’t happen in the “normal” way - every step feels so much heavier and more significant. I think you will know what to do when the time is right, but it’s hard to juggle everything while you’re waiting for that moment of clarity. I too feel the pull of creativity and freedom (and fear the disruption of kids to my mental health after so much loss) but I also really feel the underlying desire to embrace the both/and. In reality I want it all; I’m just not sure I’m in place where I believe that it’s possible yet. We will get there! Sending lots of love your way xxx
We are indeed in the same boat these days, Jessica. I remember reading your piece about whether to pursue parenthood after infertility, and I could relate so deeply. I’ll share the link for others here, since it’s so raw, real, and helpful: https://jessicahamlin/p/should-we-have-kids
It feels like an impossible place to be. I’m glad you’ve been able to step back and give yourself time. The challenge for me in this situation is the sudden pressure to decide, when we had not planned to seek out another adoption match right away. I’d been looking forward to giving myself that time to heal and reflect, and I’m realizing how much I’m missing that, being in the throes of this decision.
Don’t we all want it all! Some seem to find it; others make sacrifices. It’s hard to know which way the scale will tip. I think the ultimate goal is to find acceptance in whichever path we take, because there will always be the question of “what if?” ❤️
You have wonderful tools in your life toolbox to help you work through this. When my husband and I were still trying to conceive, I observed that people who don't get pregnant naturally are the most thoughtful, intentional parents. We can't have a woopsy pregnancy and figure it out as we go. If you choose to "marry" and bring these kids into your home, that intentionality will be one of many things that makes you wonderful parents. And if you choose not to, that intentionality will be part of what brings you peace and helps you find the joy in living child free. Well wishes to you and Seth!
I love this perspective, Ariane. It does indeed become a very intentional decision, and prompts us to really embrace the life we choose, since it hasn’t come easily (and maybe wasn’t our first choice). I appreciate your vote of confidence, and I’m so grateful for the resources you’ve shared previously about your decision to remain childfree. I think that no matter which way I go, a certain peace will come with ending the uncertainty. In some ways, that’s the hardest place to be!
Liz—YES! This is one of my favorite Dear Sugar letters. Cheryl reposted it in late 2022 as “The Beauty of What Is,” and my first-ever Substack post was a response to her piece, as I contemplated whether to restart fertility treatments:
I’m so glad you’ve brought me back to it now, as I stand at another crossroads. The decision to adopt feels different from the decision to have a biological child. I made the choice at the time to go all-in on getting pregnant, but since that didn’t work out, I have to decide again whether I still want parenthood badly enough to take on the added challenge of adopting from foster care.
I love the questions Cheryl poses between the two choices: “Which affects you on a visceral level? Which won’t let you go? Which is ruled by fear? Which is ruled by desire? Which makes you want to close your eyes and jump and which makes you want to turn and run?”
I immediately know the answers. Maybe that’s what I need to pay attention to.
I know you’ve been on your own journey with this decision. Is there anything else you can share from your perspective?
The tension you describe resonates. It took me a while to fully accept that I could want something without acting on it. Part of me wants to experience motherhood. At 30, had I been in a different marriage, that part likely would have taken precedence. At 42, that part still exists, but I have decided not to act on it. The trade offs now are very different.
In the past three months, I've added both a puppy and my partner's two teenagers to my life. Both have confirmed for me that that configuration of family is more suited to my life now. The teenagers are delightful, independent, and I get to just do the fun stuff with them periodically. The puppy is delightful, needy, and is speeding through the exhausting phases.
Both additions really brought home to me what I already knew about myself: without regular sleep and alone time, my mental stability goes off a cliff fast. I am easily overloaded by stimulus. My creative practice came to a crashing halt. Thankfully this is all rebalancing pretty quickly, in months not years. On days when the pup is raging at 4 a.m. (today) I think "thank goodness he is not a child." Of course, if he were, I would find a way to deal like all sleep-deprived new parents before me. But I don't have to. And at 42, I no longer want to.
This whole experience has taught me that family can look a lot of different ways. You can have delightful young people in your life without raising them. You can want something and not want to act on it in the way you once did. Both things can be true.
Oh wowzers, your words speak so loudly to me. As I think you read, we’ve recently found out we can’t have our own careful dance of genetics.
I didn’t realise how important the child being mine genetically was till it wasn’t possible. We look down the two (kinda three) paths of egg donation/adoption or childless not by choice. The first two being expensive (egg donation or adopt from abroad) or adoption here can be up to 10 years waiting (and I know I don’t want that).
So many of the things you write are what’s going through my brain, I’m also chronically ill and the fertility treatment has exasperated my symptoms.
I have the question ‘chose the bigger life’ in my mind, but that’s hard to say. I also feel a hot hot mess, this process has broken me and as I pick the pieces up I’m trying to figure out what new me looks like and what she wants.
I see and hear you, thank you for writing and making me feel less alone. Sending all the big hugs 🫂
I really feel this, Sheila! The hardest part is that I’m not finding any resources for people in our position who are faced with these decisions. There are plenty of books about each path—adoption, egg donation, childlessness— but I’ve yet to find a book or resource that explores the process of deciding. You’ve pinpointed how stressful it is to be at this crossroads, grieving the loss of your biological children, and not knowing if anything will make up for that. It’s a huge identity crisis, and also hugely stressful, as the alternative options for building a family are so time-consuming and expensive, with no guarantees. It’s a shitty place to be in, but I’m glad we have found each other so we can feel less alone in it! 🤗
Ah boomerangs I wrote a big reply and it got lost. It was probably not meant to be.
I think I’ve subscribed with the right email address this time? Fingers crossed 🤞
I’m finding the same, not a lot out there for the crossroads. It seems you need to have made the decision before the books and groups become useful.
I did find a woman who does a childless not by choice horseshoe, a space for people to share and with certain activities each week. I asked her about crossroads people and she said the group she has open wouldn’t be suitable but would considering opening another if there was interest. Would you be interested? I don’t know what her minimum number would be or if the timezones would line up.
Perhaps we should be the writers of the crossroads book/s.
An identity crisis it’s true! I’m questioning EVERYTHING! I’ve even changed what I’m wearing as I felt like bright colours, that I usually wear, don’t fit with the pain I’m feeling.
I’m very pleased I happened upon your page at the right time, thank you universe and thank you for ✍️💚
I’m so sorry your comment got deleted, Sheila, but thank you for persisting!
I would definitely be interested in a group for those of us at crossroads, and I agree, we may need to be the ones to write the book!
Thank you to this Substack universe for bringing people like us together. And thank you so much for joining my Inner Circle! ❤️
I’ve messaged the woman, you’re in New England USA right? Just for the time differences. She says she may be able to put a group together for us. I’m feeling in need of a group to hash out things together, this woman does one to one, but shared experience is what I’m craving right now!
I’m so grateful for the Substack universe bringing us together, I’m so happy to be in your inner circle. It’s come at the right time!! 💚💚
Yes, I am on US Eastern time. If this group comes about, please let me know! And thank you for joining my Inner Circle! Your support means so much.
No news of yet, I’ve passed on our interested and will keep you updated 🫶💚 Thank you for writing and making me feel less alone with your beautiful words.
I'm intoxicated by your dream journeys to the north! (Have you read Soundings by Doreen Cunningham? Apologies if I've already asked you this...)
No easy choices here. I felt so much anxiety reading your description of having an hour to read through a thick case file.
I haven’t heard of Soundings, Joy! I’ll add it to my reading list. Thank you for the recommendation.
The weight of these foster care cases is intense. I’m not allowed to share the details publicly, so my story is missing a big part of the story, though my earlier posts have alluded to some of the circumstances. It’s a much different path than biological parenthood, which of course comes with its own set of challenges.
I, too, I am intoxicated by my dream journey up north. Of course we never know how things will pan out, but our dreams give us hope to hang on to. ❤️
I’m way past parenthood age. I’m married, wanted children, because of other marriage issues let it not happen and deeply regret it,
One thing that seemed to me to be missing from the adoption calculus is that (hopefully) you and Seth would fall in love with these kids. I’d think the weighing of , e.g., being awoken at 5AM vs. sleeping in becomes much different when you aren’t awoken, say, by a noisy garbage truck but by a son or daughter you love. That would be the goal, anyway, it seems to me.
Thank you for sharing, Virginia. I feel your grief at missing out on motherhood. That’s one thing I ask myself: if I don’t have children, will I ever be OK with it? I hope all the love and snuggles of having little ones would be worth the sleep deprivation and overwhelm. But it’s a different thing to be contemplating the demands of parenthood at 44 rather than 34 or 24!
I’m so grateful for your perspective. I do fear living my life with regret.
I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. I’ve spent years back and forth with traveling and freedom and parenthood. And I did exactly the same thing as you did with looking at different perspectives. It really does make a difference! And there’s so many unknowns out there it’s hard not to be afraid of which path to take for sure. We’re not in the exact same paths but reading your words was so relatable.
I’m glad you could relate, Emily, though I know it’s not an easy place to be. At least it’s helpful to know we are not alone in our uncertainty. I would love to hear more about your story, if you’re willing to share!
Yeah I wouldn’t mind! Im not too familiar with Substack yet. Are comments the only place to talk?
There is a brand new direct-messaging option in the Substack app, if you have it. That’s the best way to have a private conversation, or reply to one of my emails!
Ah ok!
Thank you so much for your message, Emily! I’ve just sent a reply. Hopefully you get it.
Thanks for letting me know because I have no notification! I can only see it if I got to your account and click to message you
Wow! I love watching your process. Trying things on from different perspectives. Each pathway looks inviting and makes sense. Your story has all the suspense of a great novel! I find myself rooting for the Both/And perspective. Maybe because I am also an adventurer AND I have children (grown now). I wouldn't want to have to choose, and I'm glad that I didn't have to! I feel blessed to have had kids and to have shared with them my loves of camping, hiking, skiing, swimming, yoga, volleyball, music, etc. Certainly it was challenging at times, but so growthful and rewarding. It's wonderful that you have the opportunity to "date" these kids, and I know that you will soon know what's the right road for you, and you will be at peace!
Thank you, Dhuti! You really are reading the story of my life as it unfolds. And every great plot involves the Hero’s Journey, a quest for some goal or longing, where countless obstacles emerge along the way. So I guess I shouldn’t have expected it to be easy!
You are so fortunate to have been able to live a life of fun and adventure with your children. That’s what I always imagined for myself.
I hope I will find the peace you’ve promised. I worry that I’ll always wonder where the other road would have taken me. I guess that’s one of the many mysteries of life!
Powerful writing and hard decisions. I'm not the one to offer any thoughts, having lived a totally opposite life. So I shall just send love and support during this time of decision. Whichever road you take it will work out. xox
I appreciate your support, Lesley! Now I’m curious, what’s the “opposite life” you speak of? 🤔
Thinking of you! I don’t think you have two roads diverged in the woods. If this adoption doesn’t work out there could be many more. You aren’t at a crossroads you’re at a big turning point on a long hike! ❤️
Thanks Brenna! You’re right; I don’t have to think of this as my one and only chance at parenthood. It feels that way sometimes, but I don’t need to put that much pressure on myself. I love the hike analogy, and I appreciate your perspective!
I love the school of fish metaphor! Thank you for the gift of walking through those coaching perspectives.
I do react against the "boys will be boys" and "little kids will be crazy" messages of our culture. My four year old never once dumped a bucket of toys on the floor or left the table with Cheeto-colored fingers. He knew to play calmly with one thing at a time, then put it away. He also went to bed later than most kids and slept past 7. You can set your own norms. <3
See you SOON!
Well, those were direct examples from personal observation of this boy (though his foster mom did provide hand wipes with the Cheetos). I’m told he is good about cleaning things up. Perhaps there’s hope! I always wondered why kids have to go to bed and get up so ridiculously early. I’m all for pushing the timetable an hour or two later. Thank you for the pro tips, Meredith! 😉
Admittedly having had a miserable childhood, I am highly prejudiced. Having children never ever was a desire or goal for me, having suffered a dreadful hurtful life until on my own . Just so you know where I’m coming from.
Your writing indicates you’ve had a life filled with many experiences, accomplishments and dreams fulfilled. Is there an underlying feeling of obligation or missing out , or heaven forbid, an obligation to have children in order to truly experience the ultimate female contribution/experience ?
I truly hope that your final decision will truly enrich your lives for you and your husband. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for sharing, Judith. I’m so sorry you suffered through a painful childhood. No one deserves that. It makes sense that you would want to break the cycle and live your own life.
You bring up an interesting point about society’s expectations of women. I wonder how much that has influenced my ideas about what I should be doing with my life. Having grown up with a housewife mother who only ever wanted to be a mom, I always assumed that would be my path, even as countless opportunities unfolded before me. It’s definitely something worth examining. I am grateful for your perspective!
Dearest Liz- I’ve worried that I was too blunt. Many thx for accepting my thoughts with grace. I sincerely believe you two will make the very best decision for your happy futures 💁♀️
Not at all, Judith! I’m all for speaking your mind, and I welcome everyone’s viewpoint. I find it helpful to examine the question from many different perspectives!
I can relate to your questions and would never tell you which way to point your feet. (Though I will say I’m writing this on a trip to NYC with my son in tow — and we’ve traveled joyfully with him since he was a baby — so I’m here if you ever want to explore the path of both/and.) I would add that there are many possible interpretations of this poem — I’ve taught it a few times — and they might add additional layers to your pondering (not that this question could be any more tricky to answer than it already is!). Check this out: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/
I’m so glad you shared this article, Ryan! This must be what my friend Becky was talking about—the poem having a more nuanced, tongue-in-cheek meaning than a superficial reading suggests. So it’s only in hindsight that we get clarity about our choices and can assert the rightness of our “road less traveled,” when really either option could have been satisfying. Is that how you’d summarize this, or am I still missing the point? (I’ve always been a terrible literary critic.)
How wonderful that you’ve managed the both/and of motherhood and adventure! I don’t doubt that it’s possible, but I do worry that it will be more challenging with children from foster care who have special needs (at least in terms of homeschooling and living on the road). I certainly have always dreamed of sharing the magic of the world with my kids!
In terms of the article — I do think that’s one possibility that the author is putting forward. Was it Frost’s intention? I love that the poem is constructed in such a way that the author’s intention is not entirely obvious nor does the poem lend itself to only one angle. I love teaching poetry for this reason — there’s always something new to discover, even in such a concentrated, short form. And I find that aging itself adds layers to my own interpretations. In my own memoir writing this more subtle or tongue in cheek reading has offered the invitation to consider not just the choices that I made but the coincidences over which I had no control that shaped my path. Good and bad, I can’t take all the credit or the blame. As David Foster Wallace says, the only thing that is capital-T true is that we get to decide how to see it.
Attuning to the needs of two unique children and their needs is undeniably a humbling challenge. I’m looking forward to hearing how you bring your own hard-won wisdom from the difficult peaks you’ve summited before to this new chapter. I also wonder how your work with IFS is helping you discern which path to take.
You almost have your answer,Liz. You will make the right decision, for you and Seth. There really is no wrong answer, follow your heart and instincts.
Thank you for your love and support! ❤️
Two entirely different choices. One easy. One harder. Reading along I felt your anxiety / how joyful adventuring is for you. How frightening being suffocated by the children’s inevitable & exhausting demands. Whatever you choose you will succeed at. You are so gifted and deeply thoughtfulness. You won’t fail. You will choose the right road because both offer so much. All my best, Mimi
Thank you so much, Mimi. I appreciate your confidence in me! I’m sure both paths would have their own rewards. I trust that my heart, mind, and gut will find the answer. ❤️
Thanks for your wonderful post, Liz. I've been feeling the weight of making decisions much more than before since last year. Although i'm not like you, i can relate to Robert Frost's poem you mentioned in another way.
Despite the fact that i'm an MA grad of TEFL, I can't seem to see myself as a teacher (despite my friends and family members' reassurances that i can be a good teacher, i'm ashamed of myself for not being able to tell them that they have an unrealistic view of me in their minds), and instead i want to pursue a career in arts (one of the meanings of my first name is "an artist". Also, i was born in Shiraz, one of the Persian cities known for its artistic attractions and rich ancient history).
That is indeed a tough choice, Negar! I can feel your pull toward the arts, especially with what you share online. It’s difficult to turn away from a career that we’ve invested a lot of time and effort into. For many years I was on a PhD track in Environmental Studies. I put so many years of my life toward that dream, and then it fizzled. I think I pursued teaching because it made sense, but writing was always my passion. The problem is that I hated academic writing! I’ve found my home here on Substack. Sometimes it takes time to come around to these decisions. I trust that you will find the right path!
Thank you so much for your reply, Liz. Yes, indeed it's a tough choice for me because on the one hand, my society wants me to pursue a career in teaching. On the other hand, i want to break these shackles but haven't been able to do so (so far).
Yes Arts showed me a new way to express myself freely and through my paintings i can see this evolution. My long term goal is to work as an illustrator, or creating teaching materials for other teachers.
I felt every word of this Liz ❤️ It’s such a head fuck when conception doesn’t happen in the “normal” way - every step feels so much heavier and more significant. I think you will know what to do when the time is right, but it’s hard to juggle everything while you’re waiting for that moment of clarity. I too feel the pull of creativity and freedom (and fear the disruption of kids to my mental health after so much loss) but I also really feel the underlying desire to embrace the both/and. In reality I want it all; I’m just not sure I’m in place where I believe that it’s possible yet. We will get there! Sending lots of love your way xxx
We are indeed in the same boat these days, Jessica. I remember reading your piece about whether to pursue parenthood after infertility, and I could relate so deeply. I’ll share the link for others here, since it’s so raw, real, and helpful: https://jessicahamlin/p/should-we-have-kids
It feels like an impossible place to be. I’m glad you’ve been able to step back and give yourself time. The challenge for me in this situation is the sudden pressure to decide, when we had not planned to seek out another adoption match right away. I’d been looking forward to giving myself that time to heal and reflect, and I’m realizing how much I’m missing that, being in the throes of this decision.
Don’t we all want it all! Some seem to find it; others make sacrifices. It’s hard to know which way the scale will tip. I think the ultimate goal is to find acceptance in whichever path we take, because there will always be the question of “what if?” ❤️
You have wonderful tools in your life toolbox to help you work through this. When my husband and I were still trying to conceive, I observed that people who don't get pregnant naturally are the most thoughtful, intentional parents. We can't have a woopsy pregnancy and figure it out as we go. If you choose to "marry" and bring these kids into your home, that intentionality will be one of many things that makes you wonderful parents. And if you choose not to, that intentionality will be part of what brings you peace and helps you find the joy in living child free. Well wishes to you and Seth!
I love this perspective, Ariane. It does indeed become a very intentional decision, and prompts us to really embrace the life we choose, since it hasn’t come easily (and maybe wasn’t our first choice). I appreciate your vote of confidence, and I’m so grateful for the resources you’ve shared previously about your decision to remain childfree. I think that no matter which way I go, a certain peace will come with ending the uncertainty. In some ways, that’s the hardest place to be!
Whew this is some real stuff. Each path has its measure of joy and loss. I’ve always loved the Cheryl Straid essay on this. She describes the life we didn’t live as “the ghost ship that didn’t carry us.” https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
Thank you for openly sharing your process of deciding. Eagerly waiting for the next installment.
Liz—YES! This is one of my favorite Dear Sugar letters. Cheryl reposted it in late 2022 as “The Beauty of What Is,” and my first-ever Substack post was a response to her piece, as I contemplated whether to restart fertility treatments:
https://www.lizexplores.com/p/response-to-cheryl-strayed-the-beauty
I’m so glad you’ve brought me back to it now, as I stand at another crossroads. The decision to adopt feels different from the decision to have a biological child. I made the choice at the time to go all-in on getting pregnant, but since that didn’t work out, I have to decide again whether I still want parenthood badly enough to take on the added challenge of adopting from foster care.
I love the questions Cheryl poses between the two choices: “Which affects you on a visceral level? Which won’t let you go? Which is ruled by fear? Which is ruled by desire? Which makes you want to close your eyes and jump and which makes you want to turn and run?”
I immediately know the answers. Maybe that’s what I need to pay attention to.
I know you’ve been on your own journey with this decision. Is there anything else you can share from your perspective?
The tension you describe resonates. It took me a while to fully accept that I could want something without acting on it. Part of me wants to experience motherhood. At 30, had I been in a different marriage, that part likely would have taken precedence. At 42, that part still exists, but I have decided not to act on it. The trade offs now are very different.
In the past three months, I've added both a puppy and my partner's two teenagers to my life. Both have confirmed for me that that configuration of family is more suited to my life now. The teenagers are delightful, independent, and I get to just do the fun stuff with them periodically. The puppy is delightful, needy, and is speeding through the exhausting phases.
Both additions really brought home to me what I already knew about myself: without regular sleep and alone time, my mental stability goes off a cliff fast. I am easily overloaded by stimulus. My creative practice came to a crashing halt. Thankfully this is all rebalancing pretty quickly, in months not years. On days when the pup is raging at 4 a.m. (today) I think "thank goodness he is not a child." Of course, if he were, I would find a way to deal like all sleep-deprived new parents before me. But I don't have to. And at 42, I no longer want to.
This whole experience has taught me that family can look a lot of different ways. You can have delightful young people in your life without raising them. You can want something and not want to act on it in the way you once did. Both things can be true.