Oh wowzers, your words speak so loudly to me. As I think you read, we’ve recently found out we can’t have our own careful dance of genetics.
I didn’t realise how important the child being mine genetically was till it wasn’t possible. We look down the two (kinda three) paths of egg donation/adoption or childless not by choice. The first two being expensive (egg donation or adopt from abroad) or adoption here can be up to 10 years waiting (and I know I don’t want that).
So many of the things you write are what’s going through my brain, I’m also chronically ill and the fertility treatment has exasperated my symptoms.
I have the question ‘chose the bigger life’ in my mind, but that’s hard to say. I also feel a hot hot mess, this process has broken me and as I pick the pieces up I’m trying to figure out what new me looks like and what she wants.
I see and hear you, thank you for writing and making me feel less alone. Sending all the big hugs 🫂
I’m way past parenthood age. I’m married, wanted children, because of other marriage issues let it not happen and deeply regret it,
One thing that seemed to me to be missing from the adoption calculus is that (hopefully) you and Seth would fall in love with these kids. I’d think the weighing of , e.g., being awoken at 5AM vs. sleeping in becomes much different when you aren’t awoken, say, by a noisy garbage truck but by a son or daughter you love. That would be the goal, anyway, it seems to me.
I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. I’ve spent years back and forth with traveling and freedom and parenthood. And I did exactly the same thing as you did with looking at different perspectives. It really does make a difference! And there’s so many unknowns out there it’s hard not to be afraid of which path to take for sure. We’re not in the exact same paths but reading your words was so relatable.
Wow! I love watching your process. Trying things on from different perspectives. Each pathway looks inviting and makes sense. Your story has all the suspense of a great novel! I find myself rooting for the Both/And perspective. Maybe because I am also an adventurer AND I have children (grown now). I wouldn't want to have to choose, and I'm glad that I didn't have to! I feel blessed to have had kids and to have shared with them my loves of camping, hiking, skiing, swimming, yoga, volleyball, music, etc. Certainly it was challenging at times, but so growthful and rewarding. It's wonderful that you have the opportunity to "date" these kids, and I know that you will soon know what's the right road for you, and you will be at peace!
Powerful writing and hard decisions. I'm not the one to offer any thoughts, having lived a totally opposite life. So I shall just send love and support during this time of decision. Whichever road you take it will work out. xox
Thinking of you! I don’t think you have two roads diverged in the woods. If this adoption doesn’t work out there could be many more. You aren’t at a crossroads you’re at a big turning point on a long hike! ❤️
I love the school of fish metaphor! Thank you for the gift of walking through those coaching perspectives.
I do react against the "boys will be boys" and "little kids will be crazy" messages of our culture. My four year old never once dumped a bucket of toys on the floor or left the table with Cheeto-colored fingers. He knew to play calmly with one thing at a time, then put it away. He also went to bed later than most kids and slept past 7. You can set your own norms. <3
Admittedly having had a miserable childhood, I am highly prejudiced. Having children never ever was a desire or goal for me, having suffered a dreadful hurtful life until on my own . Just so you know where I’m coming from.
Your writing indicates you’ve had a life filled with many experiences, accomplishments and dreams fulfilled. Is there an underlying feeling of obligation or missing out , or heaven forbid, an obligation to have children in order to truly experience the ultimate female contribution/experience ?
I truly hope that your final decision will truly enrich your lives for you and your husband. Wishing you all the best.
I can relate to your questions and would never tell you which way to point your feet. (Though I will say I’m writing this on a trip to NYC with my son in tow — and we’ve traveled joyfully with him since he was a baby — so I’m here if you ever want to explore the path of both/and.) I would add that there are many possible interpretations of this poem — I’ve taught it a few times — and they might add additional layers to your pondering (not that this question could be any more tricky to answer than it already is!). Check this out: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/
Two entirely different choices. One easy. One harder. Reading along I felt your anxiety / how joyful adventuring is for you. How frightening being suffocated by the children’s inevitable & exhausting demands. Whatever you choose you will succeed at. You are so gifted and deeply thoughtfulness. You won’t fail. You will choose the right road because both offer so much. All my best, Mimi
Thanks for your wonderful post, Liz. I've been feeling the weight of making decisions much more than before since last year. Although i'm not like you, i can relate to Robert Frost's poem you mentioned in another way.
Despite the fact that i'm an MA grad of TEFL, I can't seem to see myself as a teacher (despite my friends and family members' reassurances that i can be a good teacher, i'm ashamed of myself for not being able to tell them that they have an unrealistic view of me in their minds), and instead i want to pursue a career in arts (one of the meanings of my first name is "an artist". Also, i was born in Shiraz, one of the Persian cities known for its artistic attractions and rich ancient history).
I felt every word of this Liz ❤️ It’s such a head fuck when conception doesn’t happen in the “normal” way - every step feels so much heavier and more significant. I think you will know what to do when the time is right, but it’s hard to juggle everything while you’re waiting for that moment of clarity. I too feel the pull of creativity and freedom (and fear the disruption of kids to my mental health after so much loss) but I also really feel the underlying desire to embrace the both/and. In reality I want it all; I’m just not sure I’m in place where I believe that it’s possible yet. We will get there! Sending lots of love your way xxx
You have wonderful tools in your life toolbox to help you work through this. When my husband and I were still trying to conceive, I observed that people who don't get pregnant naturally are the most thoughtful, intentional parents. We can't have a woopsy pregnancy and figure it out as we go. If you choose to "marry" and bring these kids into your home, that intentionality will be one of many things that makes you wonderful parents. And if you choose not to, that intentionality will be part of what brings you peace and helps you find the joy in living child free. Well wishes to you and Seth!
Oh wowzers, your words speak so loudly to me. As I think you read, we’ve recently found out we can’t have our own careful dance of genetics.
I didn’t realise how important the child being mine genetically was till it wasn’t possible. We look down the two (kinda three) paths of egg donation/adoption or childless not by choice. The first two being expensive (egg donation or adopt from abroad) or adoption here can be up to 10 years waiting (and I know I don’t want that).
So many of the things you write are what’s going through my brain, I’m also chronically ill and the fertility treatment has exasperated my symptoms.
I have the question ‘chose the bigger life’ in my mind, but that’s hard to say. I also feel a hot hot mess, this process has broken me and as I pick the pieces up I’m trying to figure out what new me looks like and what she wants.
I see and hear you, thank you for writing and making me feel less alone. Sending all the big hugs 🫂
I'm intoxicated by your dream journeys to the north! (Have you read Soundings by Doreen Cunningham? Apologies if I've already asked you this...)
No easy choices here. I felt so much anxiety reading your description of having an hour to read through a thick case file.
I’m way past parenthood age. I’m married, wanted children, because of other marriage issues let it not happen and deeply regret it,
One thing that seemed to me to be missing from the adoption calculus is that (hopefully) you and Seth would fall in love with these kids. I’d think the weighing of , e.g., being awoken at 5AM vs. sleeping in becomes much different when you aren’t awoken, say, by a noisy garbage truck but by a son or daughter you love. That would be the goal, anyway, it seems to me.
I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. I’ve spent years back and forth with traveling and freedom and parenthood. And I did exactly the same thing as you did with looking at different perspectives. It really does make a difference! And there’s so many unknowns out there it’s hard not to be afraid of which path to take for sure. We’re not in the exact same paths but reading your words was so relatable.
Wow! I love watching your process. Trying things on from different perspectives. Each pathway looks inviting and makes sense. Your story has all the suspense of a great novel! I find myself rooting for the Both/And perspective. Maybe because I am also an adventurer AND I have children (grown now). I wouldn't want to have to choose, and I'm glad that I didn't have to! I feel blessed to have had kids and to have shared with them my loves of camping, hiking, skiing, swimming, yoga, volleyball, music, etc. Certainly it was challenging at times, but so growthful and rewarding. It's wonderful that you have the opportunity to "date" these kids, and I know that you will soon know what's the right road for you, and you will be at peace!
Powerful writing and hard decisions. I'm not the one to offer any thoughts, having lived a totally opposite life. So I shall just send love and support during this time of decision. Whichever road you take it will work out. xox
Thinking of you! I don’t think you have two roads diverged in the woods. If this adoption doesn’t work out there could be many more. You aren’t at a crossroads you’re at a big turning point on a long hike! ❤️
I love the school of fish metaphor! Thank you for the gift of walking through those coaching perspectives.
I do react against the "boys will be boys" and "little kids will be crazy" messages of our culture. My four year old never once dumped a bucket of toys on the floor or left the table with Cheeto-colored fingers. He knew to play calmly with one thing at a time, then put it away. He also went to bed later than most kids and slept past 7. You can set your own norms. <3
See you SOON!
Admittedly having had a miserable childhood, I am highly prejudiced. Having children never ever was a desire or goal for me, having suffered a dreadful hurtful life until on my own . Just so you know where I’m coming from.
Your writing indicates you’ve had a life filled with many experiences, accomplishments and dreams fulfilled. Is there an underlying feeling of obligation or missing out , or heaven forbid, an obligation to have children in order to truly experience the ultimate female contribution/experience ?
I truly hope that your final decision will truly enrich your lives for you and your husband. Wishing you all the best.
I can relate to your questions and would never tell you which way to point your feet. (Though I will say I’m writing this on a trip to NYC with my son in tow — and we’ve traveled joyfully with him since he was a baby — so I’m here if you ever want to explore the path of both/and.) I would add that there are many possible interpretations of this poem — I’ve taught it a few times — and they might add additional layers to your pondering (not that this question could be any more tricky to answer than it already is!). Check this out: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/
You almost have your answer,Liz. You will make the right decision, for you and Seth. There really is no wrong answer, follow your heart and instincts.
Two entirely different choices. One easy. One harder. Reading along I felt your anxiety / how joyful adventuring is for you. How frightening being suffocated by the children’s inevitable & exhausting demands. Whatever you choose you will succeed at. You are so gifted and deeply thoughtfulness. You won’t fail. You will choose the right road because both offer so much. All my best, Mimi
Thanks for your wonderful post, Liz. I've been feeling the weight of making decisions much more than before since last year. Although i'm not like you, i can relate to Robert Frost's poem you mentioned in another way.
Despite the fact that i'm an MA grad of TEFL, I can't seem to see myself as a teacher (despite my friends and family members' reassurances that i can be a good teacher, i'm ashamed of myself for not being able to tell them that they have an unrealistic view of me in their minds), and instead i want to pursue a career in arts (one of the meanings of my first name is "an artist". Also, i was born in Shiraz, one of the Persian cities known for its artistic attractions and rich ancient history).
I felt every word of this Liz ❤️ It’s such a head fuck when conception doesn’t happen in the “normal” way - every step feels so much heavier and more significant. I think you will know what to do when the time is right, but it’s hard to juggle everything while you’re waiting for that moment of clarity. I too feel the pull of creativity and freedom (and fear the disruption of kids to my mental health after so much loss) but I also really feel the underlying desire to embrace the both/and. In reality I want it all; I’m just not sure I’m in place where I believe that it’s possible yet. We will get there! Sending lots of love your way xxx
You have wonderful tools in your life toolbox to help you work through this. When my husband and I were still trying to conceive, I observed that people who don't get pregnant naturally are the most thoughtful, intentional parents. We can't have a woopsy pregnancy and figure it out as we go. If you choose to "marry" and bring these kids into your home, that intentionality will be one of many things that makes you wonderful parents. And if you choose not to, that intentionality will be part of what brings you peace and helps you find the joy in living child free. Well wishes to you and Seth!
Whew this is some real stuff. Each path has its measure of joy and loss. I’ve always loved the Cheryl Straid essay on this. She describes the life we didn’t live as “the ghost ship that didn’t carry us.” https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
Thank you for openly sharing your process of deciding. Eagerly waiting for the next installment.