Glad to catch up on your journey. I don’t know what you can do, but I definitely feel the feeling that the right role for me was auntie. Is there a sense of loss when I see all the little ones march off to the first day of school in their adorable little backpacks? Definitely. But also I’m becoming a bonus adult to two tweens who don’t need me to be their mother and that’s delightful in a totally different way. Also, writing a memoir is a journey in itself; I’m a few months in and it’s feeding my soul in a different way. All this to say I’m finding the alternate paths far more nourishing and well suited to me than I could have predicted two years ago.
It’s so good to hear from you, Liz! I really value your perspective, and I am glad to hear you’ve found peace in your decision to focus on the other children in your life. My niece and nephew are grown, and without stepchildren it’s harder to scratch that motherly itch, but I’m sure I could find some kids to spoil somewhere.
I’m excited about your memoir! Is that where you’re putting your writing energy these days ?
Yeah I took a break from Substack for a few months to give myself some space to be messy and explore some different kind of writing, and never got around to posting about it. But as I find my way into the book, I may resurface here in a bit. It’s been hugely useful to have my Substack essays as a starting point because it turns out I was writing my way into the bigger story all along.
Hi Liz -- I'm an adoption social worker who works with families in South Carolina who are adopting out of the state foster system. So while I don't know you and would never presume to even take your poll about what your choice should be, I do know a little about adoption. And I'm wondering - is there maybe a way for you to have some of ALL of it? I can hear your longing for travel and solitude so clearly, and these are good and valid choices. As is wanting to be a parent. As is childlessness. Can you consider putting the parenting dream on hold a bit longer so that you can follow some other dreams (that may be harder or impossible with children)? What would be the downside of adopting at 48 or 50? Is there an age limit for infants in your state (there isn't in SC)? As you can see, no answers here. It just seems that some of your travel/solitude dreams can ONLY be done without children, and so maybe you start there and move outward - or maybe you find the peace you need in childlessness after some time on the road. Whatever you choose, I do wish you peace. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. I don't know how I found you but I do find it very interesting to read!
These are wise words, Sharon; thank you for your insights. You are right that if adoption is our path, we could potentially wait another year or more so I can travel first. The risk in that for us is that our parents may not be around to meet their grandchildren if we wait too long, and we would be parenting well into our 60s. But if we want it badly enough, that is always an option. And if we don’t adopt now but change our minds later, it will hopefully still be an option.
I also appreciate your observation that taking a break and getting away may help me come to terms with childlessness. My Alaska road trip last year was designed to help answer the question of what comes next after infertility, and at the time I decided that I wanted to come home and pursue adoption. A lot has happened since then, though, and I may find a different answer this time around.
I’m so grateful for the important work that you and so many other social services professionals do for children and families. And I’m honored to have you as a reader! I hope my writing offers you insight into the rollercoaster some families are on before and during the adoption process.
Yes - that's exactly why I'm drawn to reading your story, even though it's been heartbreaking to hear some of the harder parts. I do want to bring understanding and compassion to my pre-adoptive families and you are helping with that. THANK YOU!
And ps..... None of us know how much time we have. Your parents could be around longer than you expect - or tomorrow could change everything. So I don't know if that "risk" you mention is real - or just fear. And ps ps - I thought 60 was the new 40! :-) I have a lot of older parents adopting. They are steady and wise and wonderful parents to their littles. They can't run as fast, perhaps, but they have great communities that run with them and that makes all the difference. All that to say - anything, everything, all of it is possible. Just do the NEXT right thing. Not the perfect thing, because what even is that? Just the next right thing for you. The way will open up as you walk.
I want to give you a big hug, Sharon! 🤗 This really made me smile. Can you be my permanency worker? 😃
There is so much fear—about everything! Fear of all the “what-ifs” was a big driver in our placements not working out, and it’s one of the reasons why I second-guess those decisions. I’m glad to hear that older adoptive parents are becoming more common, and having successful placements.
Thank you for permission to do the next right thing for me— and not the perfect thing, which is where I always get hung up. “The way will open up as you walk”— I need to write that on my forehead so I won’t forget it. 😂
I know we touched base a while back and still would be happy to chat with you as an adoptive DCF mother. And , yes, my bio son called me a martyr when they were teenagers. That killed me. You have to be all in to this experience and even then come out broken. Please let me know if you'd like to chat at some point. Thanks
Thank you for the reminder, Karen! If you’d like to share privately about your experience or offer some advice, please reply to the email from this post. I’m eager to hear more about the challenges and rewards of adoption from foster care. ❤️
A beautiful touching account Liz and I love your analogy with the seasons. I didn't answer your poll as I think the answer can only really be found deep within. There is no right or wrong path, but there may be a path that resonates more deeply with your soul in its quietest moments. Wishing you well with feeling your way through it and sending love ❤️
Thank you, Vicki! I hesitated to do the poll, because of course no one can answer this question for me. But it is interesting to see the trend in what others are hoping for me or perceiving.
I keep thinking that adoption needs to be the “happy ending” to my story; that anything else is a failure, like I’m not cut out for parenthood. I know from readers like you that that’s not the case, of course; that childlessness can be an equally fulfilling path; that adoption need not be the answer to infertility.
The poll is validating that so far. It feels like an impossible choice. And as you’ve said, I can only listen to the whispers of my soul.
Thank you for your perspective. I feel you rooting for me. ❤️
I love that you did a poll, I haven’t participated as I think I’m also blinded by the options and none options (our own child wouldn’t need a poll, we know we want that). If only these decisions could be done with a poll and the outcome be right! I know travel helps me clear my head. Is 45 feeling like a milestone you’ve self imposed based on society or does it actually serve you? Love as always your reflections as they help me process mine too 💚
Thank you, Sheila! Someone else also wondered about my self-imposed deadline of 45. I need to reflect on that. I think part of it is the fear of having dependents well into our 60s (unless we adopted older children, which was our original plan, but it feels like that’s shifted). Another part is wanting our elderly parents to be able to spend time with their grandchildren. And there’s the fact that our foster license needs to be renewed every two years, which is a significant commitment, and if it lapses, we have to go through volumes of paperwork and training all over again.
I think there’s also an element of needing resolution, as the uncertainty has taken up so much headspace for the past four years (and beyond), and I’m ready to move forward with my life one way or the other. But maybe it’s not an either-or dichotomy. Maybe there’s room to be fluid and not rush the decision.
I’m glad my writing helps you reflect, and I’m rooting for you in your own quest for parenthood. 🤗
Yikes that paperwork certainly is something you’d want to avoid. I remember reading about all that was involved in that.
I’m just gonna say it, bloody sucks this is what we have to have whirling through our heads to try and get to a version of parenthood. Whereas most people just be thinking about sexy time. I do appreciate having your writing to read and your messages to connect with.
I completely relate to the resolution. We’ve been talking about going to adoption information meetings, my husband says he’ll go but he’s admitted to being exhausted by what we’ve gone through so far. He said he’s found this last year so hard that he’d like to close this chapter, and I totally get that feeling!
I like the saying “chose the bigger life” what would be the bigger life for you? This question helps me but also it’s like “I want the bigger life but does getting there have to be so hard?!” Hahaa
I rooting for you at your travel and parenthood crossroads too. Big hugs to you both as you figure out what’s right for you both 💚
Oh, the series of choices that make up a life. I hear in this piece so much heart and longing. A truth that I have been learning to embrace for myself is this: Whatever you choose will be right. Whatever you choose will have moments of wonder and joy and epiphany. Whatever you choose will have moments of doubt and struggle. Whatever you choose will be shaped, largely by where you turn your attention and, as we are writers, by the words we use to share withourselves and others.
For me, this is comforting. There is no one way.. There are only ways, all of them ripe with everything life has to offer.
May you feel into what comes next for you and yours. May whatever you decide come with peace.
You are so right, Holly! Thank you for reminding me that I wrote something very similar last spring in my piece “Torn in Two” (www.lizexplores.com/p/torn-in-two): “So I sit here with the conundrum of the either/or versus the both/and…. Everything will either be amazing or terrible depending what I choose, versus everything will be amazing and terrible no matter what I choose. I will either regret my decision or feel blissfully fulfilled by it, versus I will have moments of bliss and moments of regret on whichever path I take.”
It is so hard to remember this in the moment, when turning away from one path brings so much grief. We have to remind ourselves, again and again, that there is no right answer. I’m so grateful for your wise words! ❤️
I wish I could offer you pearls of wisdom, wield a magic wand to fix everything, or gaze into a crystal ball to guide your decisions. Unfortunately, I don't have any of these.
What I can share, based on my 60 years of experience, is that I’m learning to embrace the idea that life isn't about choosing one thing over another—it's about finding a way to live in the space where both can coexist. I strive to live in this "both-and" mindset, though I often fall short and criticize myself for it. When I do, I remind myself to extend the same grace to myself that I give to others, and then I focus on doing better next time. Yes, I fail often, despite all the mantras, books, and wise figures I follow. Life isn't always easy, but as you’ve pointed out, there’s immense beauty and breathtaking moments to be found. Sometimes, I wonder if I make life harder for myself by struggling to just be in the moment, to be content, and to accept whatever comes. Like you, I have days where I manage this well and days where I resist and complain.
I’ve learned that staying in a constant state of indecision is not beneficial for me. At some point, we have to make a choice and then live with the consequences. Making a decision doesn’t mean we’re locked into it forever; we can always change our minds, choose a different path, or shift directions, either right away or down the line. A wise woman I worked with at KHS often reminded me that overthinking choices can lead to "paralysis by analysis." Once we make a decision, it sharpens our focus and helps us take the next steps, even if it means adjusting our course later. Sometimes we let others make decisions for us, flip a coin, or let the choice fall into place naturally. Choices rarely come with neatly wrapped resolutions, as new decisions constantly arise. While humans often seek the comfort of routine, we are always evolving and discovering new aspects of ourselves.
Happy endings are reserved for fairytales. While we do experience moments of great happiness, life is a roller coaster of emotions, and that’s what makes it so wonderful.
Don’t let age hold you back. If you desire something, there’s always a way to pursue it.
My heart is full of love for you. I am blessed that you share your life so openly and rawly. Thank you.
Kelly, I’m so grateful for your wise words. You’ve nailed the fact that the indecision itself is what is so painful, and leads to the analysis paralysis. If I could accept a choice and move on, I might finally find some peace. It’s tough because the question of having a family has been looming over my life for decades now, and at this juncture it feels like it will define every aspect of the rest of my existence. I’m struggling to hold the weight of that. But like you said, it may be something I can revisit in the coming years if it doesn’t happen right now (though I fear that holding space for that prolongs the indecision).
Is it just me, or do the gurus make these choices harder in a way, by making us think that there is a right way to act or react, and creating self-judgment when we fall short of that? Yet we are not supposed to judge ourselves! I get myself all twisted up trying to figure out what would be the Zen thing to do, which is of course the opposite of Zen. 😂
I appreciate you sharing about your own experiences. You’ve got me thinking about what the “both/and” might look like. And you’ve helped me remember that I can let go of the idea of happy endings and let life unfold, with all its twists and turns, mountains and valleys, clouds and sun. ☺️
I'm another involved and loving auntie but I'm close to four friends who went through foster to eventual adoption and all are happy now. Yes the boys all had issues, yes the hassle of their biological parents vacillating on letting them go went on too long but they are all happy now. Two families. Boys from age 6 to 19 now. Have faith! And write the memoir while waiting. I adore Baja (even write a memoir about living there on a bkat for a year) but Baja will be there. I feel that you need to give the foster/adoption option another year so you won't have any regret later on about giving it up too soon.
Thanks Jennifer, I’m so grateful for your perspective! I’m interested to read about your adventures in Baja. Boat life must be similar to van life (I get seasick, so I’ll stick to the pavement!).
I’m glad to hear your friends had positive experiences adopting through foster care. It’s not an easy path, but when it works out, I’m sure it can be rewarding.
May I ask what went into your decision to be an auntie but not a mom? I love learning about all the paths people have taken in life. ☺️
We waited a long time to get pregnant, had a miscarriage, then waited to be ready and a car accident sidelined me from good health for a long time. The nieces were a life saver!
Glad to catch up on your journey. I don’t know what you can do, but I definitely feel the feeling that the right role for me was auntie. Is there a sense of loss when I see all the little ones march off to the first day of school in their adorable little backpacks? Definitely. But also I’m becoming a bonus adult to two tweens who don’t need me to be their mother and that’s delightful in a totally different way. Also, writing a memoir is a journey in itself; I’m a few months in and it’s feeding my soul in a different way. All this to say I’m finding the alternate paths far more nourishing and well suited to me than I could have predicted two years ago.
It’s so good to hear from you, Liz! I really value your perspective, and I am glad to hear you’ve found peace in your decision to focus on the other children in your life. My niece and nephew are grown, and without stepchildren it’s harder to scratch that motherly itch, but I’m sure I could find some kids to spoil somewhere.
I’m excited about your memoir! Is that where you’re putting your writing energy these days ?
Yeah I took a break from Substack for a few months to give myself some space to be messy and explore some different kind of writing, and never got around to posting about it. But as I find my way into the book, I may resurface here in a bit. It’s been hugely useful to have my Substack essays as a starting point because it turns out I was writing my way into the bigger story all along.
I bet! I’ve missed your writing here, but I’m excited for your memoir. Are you going for a book deal, self-publishing, or something else?
No idea. Right now I’m working on getting a draft down on paper because that’s what’s speaking to me and then I’ll figure out what it becomes.
Hi Liz -- I'm an adoption social worker who works with families in South Carolina who are adopting out of the state foster system. So while I don't know you and would never presume to even take your poll about what your choice should be, I do know a little about adoption. And I'm wondering - is there maybe a way for you to have some of ALL of it? I can hear your longing for travel and solitude so clearly, and these are good and valid choices. As is wanting to be a parent. As is childlessness. Can you consider putting the parenting dream on hold a bit longer so that you can follow some other dreams (that may be harder or impossible with children)? What would be the downside of adopting at 48 or 50? Is there an age limit for infants in your state (there isn't in SC)? As you can see, no answers here. It just seems that some of your travel/solitude dreams can ONLY be done without children, and so maybe you start there and move outward - or maybe you find the peace you need in childlessness after some time on the road. Whatever you choose, I do wish you peace. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. I don't know how I found you but I do find it very interesting to read!
These are wise words, Sharon; thank you for your insights. You are right that if adoption is our path, we could potentially wait another year or more so I can travel first. The risk in that for us is that our parents may not be around to meet their grandchildren if we wait too long, and we would be parenting well into our 60s. But if we want it badly enough, that is always an option. And if we don’t adopt now but change our minds later, it will hopefully still be an option.
I also appreciate your observation that taking a break and getting away may help me come to terms with childlessness. My Alaska road trip last year was designed to help answer the question of what comes next after infertility, and at the time I decided that I wanted to come home and pursue adoption. A lot has happened since then, though, and I may find a different answer this time around.
I’m so grateful for the important work that you and so many other social services professionals do for children and families. And I’m honored to have you as a reader! I hope my writing offers you insight into the rollercoaster some families are on before and during the adoption process.
Yes - that's exactly why I'm drawn to reading your story, even though it's been heartbreaking to hear some of the harder parts. I do want to bring understanding and compassion to my pre-adoptive families and you are helping with that. THANK YOU!
And ps..... None of us know how much time we have. Your parents could be around longer than you expect - or tomorrow could change everything. So I don't know if that "risk" you mention is real - or just fear. And ps ps - I thought 60 was the new 40! :-) I have a lot of older parents adopting. They are steady and wise and wonderful parents to their littles. They can't run as fast, perhaps, but they have great communities that run with them and that makes all the difference. All that to say - anything, everything, all of it is possible. Just do the NEXT right thing. Not the perfect thing, because what even is that? Just the next right thing for you. The way will open up as you walk.
I want to give you a big hug, Sharon! 🤗 This really made me smile. Can you be my permanency worker? 😃
There is so much fear—about everything! Fear of all the “what-ifs” was a big driver in our placements not working out, and it’s one of the reasons why I second-guess those decisions. I’m glad to hear that older adoptive parents are becoming more common, and having successful placements.
Thank you for permission to do the next right thing for me— and not the perfect thing, which is where I always get hung up. “The way will open up as you walk”— I need to write that on my forehead so I won’t forget it. 😂
Hi Liz
I know we touched base a while back and still would be happy to chat with you as an adoptive DCF mother. And , yes, my bio son called me a martyr when they were teenagers. That killed me. You have to be all in to this experience and even then come out broken. Please let me know if you'd like to chat at some point. Thanks
Thank you for the reminder, Karen! If you’d like to share privately about your experience or offer some advice, please reply to the email from this post. I’m eager to hear more about the challenges and rewards of adoption from foster care. ❤️
A beautiful touching account Liz and I love your analogy with the seasons. I didn't answer your poll as I think the answer can only really be found deep within. There is no right or wrong path, but there may be a path that resonates more deeply with your soul in its quietest moments. Wishing you well with feeling your way through it and sending love ❤️
Thank you, Vicki! I hesitated to do the poll, because of course no one can answer this question for me. But it is interesting to see the trend in what others are hoping for me or perceiving.
I keep thinking that adoption needs to be the “happy ending” to my story; that anything else is a failure, like I’m not cut out for parenthood. I know from readers like you that that’s not the case, of course; that childlessness can be an equally fulfilling path; that adoption need not be the answer to infertility.
The poll is validating that so far. It feels like an impossible choice. And as you’ve said, I can only listen to the whispers of my soul.
Thank you for your perspective. I feel you rooting for me. ❤️
I love that you did a poll, I haven’t participated as I think I’m also blinded by the options and none options (our own child wouldn’t need a poll, we know we want that). If only these decisions could be done with a poll and the outcome be right! I know travel helps me clear my head. Is 45 feeling like a milestone you’ve self imposed based on society or does it actually serve you? Love as always your reflections as they help me process mine too 💚
Thank you, Sheila! Someone else also wondered about my self-imposed deadline of 45. I need to reflect on that. I think part of it is the fear of having dependents well into our 60s (unless we adopted older children, which was our original plan, but it feels like that’s shifted). Another part is wanting our elderly parents to be able to spend time with their grandchildren. And there’s the fact that our foster license needs to be renewed every two years, which is a significant commitment, and if it lapses, we have to go through volumes of paperwork and training all over again.
I think there’s also an element of needing resolution, as the uncertainty has taken up so much headspace for the past four years (and beyond), and I’m ready to move forward with my life one way or the other. But maybe it’s not an either-or dichotomy. Maybe there’s room to be fluid and not rush the decision.
I’m glad my writing helps you reflect, and I’m rooting for you in your own quest for parenthood. 🤗
Yikes that paperwork certainly is something you’d want to avoid. I remember reading about all that was involved in that.
I’m just gonna say it, bloody sucks this is what we have to have whirling through our heads to try and get to a version of parenthood. Whereas most people just be thinking about sexy time. I do appreciate having your writing to read and your messages to connect with.
I completely relate to the resolution. We’ve been talking about going to adoption information meetings, my husband says he’ll go but he’s admitted to being exhausted by what we’ve gone through so far. He said he’s found this last year so hard that he’d like to close this chapter, and I totally get that feeling!
I like the saying “chose the bigger life” what would be the bigger life for you? This question helps me but also it’s like “I want the bigger life but does getting there have to be so hard?!” Hahaa
I rooting for you at your travel and parenthood crossroads too. Big hugs to you both as you figure out what’s right for you both 💚
Thinking of you and sending you good vibes!
Thank you, Brenna! 🤗
Oh, the series of choices that make up a life. I hear in this piece so much heart and longing. A truth that I have been learning to embrace for myself is this: Whatever you choose will be right. Whatever you choose will have moments of wonder and joy and epiphany. Whatever you choose will have moments of doubt and struggle. Whatever you choose will be shaped, largely by where you turn your attention and, as we are writers, by the words we use to share withourselves and others.
For me, this is comforting. There is no one way.. There are only ways, all of them ripe with everything life has to offer.
May you feel into what comes next for you and yours. May whatever you decide come with peace.
You are so right, Holly! Thank you for reminding me that I wrote something very similar last spring in my piece “Torn in Two” (www.lizexplores.com/p/torn-in-two): “So I sit here with the conundrum of the either/or versus the both/and…. Everything will either be amazing or terrible depending what I choose, versus everything will be amazing and terrible no matter what I choose. I will either regret my decision or feel blissfully fulfilled by it, versus I will have moments of bliss and moments of regret on whichever path I take.”
It is so hard to remember this in the moment, when turning away from one path brings so much grief. We have to remind ourselves, again and again, that there is no right answer. I’m so grateful for your wise words! ❤️
Where do your travels take you these days?
Hi Liz,
Always love reading what you write.
I wish I could offer you pearls of wisdom, wield a magic wand to fix everything, or gaze into a crystal ball to guide your decisions. Unfortunately, I don't have any of these.
What I can share, based on my 60 years of experience, is that I’m learning to embrace the idea that life isn't about choosing one thing over another—it's about finding a way to live in the space where both can coexist. I strive to live in this "both-and" mindset, though I often fall short and criticize myself for it. When I do, I remind myself to extend the same grace to myself that I give to others, and then I focus on doing better next time. Yes, I fail often, despite all the mantras, books, and wise figures I follow. Life isn't always easy, but as you’ve pointed out, there’s immense beauty and breathtaking moments to be found. Sometimes, I wonder if I make life harder for myself by struggling to just be in the moment, to be content, and to accept whatever comes. Like you, I have days where I manage this well and days where I resist and complain.
I’ve learned that staying in a constant state of indecision is not beneficial for me. At some point, we have to make a choice and then live with the consequences. Making a decision doesn’t mean we’re locked into it forever; we can always change our minds, choose a different path, or shift directions, either right away or down the line. A wise woman I worked with at KHS often reminded me that overthinking choices can lead to "paralysis by analysis." Once we make a decision, it sharpens our focus and helps us take the next steps, even if it means adjusting our course later. Sometimes we let others make decisions for us, flip a coin, or let the choice fall into place naturally. Choices rarely come with neatly wrapped resolutions, as new decisions constantly arise. While humans often seek the comfort of routine, we are always evolving and discovering new aspects of ourselves.
Happy endings are reserved for fairytales. While we do experience moments of great happiness, life is a roller coaster of emotions, and that’s what makes it so wonderful.
Don’t let age hold you back. If you desire something, there’s always a way to pursue it.
My heart is full of love for you. I am blessed that you share your life so openly and rawly. Thank you.
Kelly, I’m so grateful for your wise words. You’ve nailed the fact that the indecision itself is what is so painful, and leads to the analysis paralysis. If I could accept a choice and move on, I might finally find some peace. It’s tough because the question of having a family has been looming over my life for decades now, and at this juncture it feels like it will define every aspect of the rest of my existence. I’m struggling to hold the weight of that. But like you said, it may be something I can revisit in the coming years if it doesn’t happen right now (though I fear that holding space for that prolongs the indecision).
Is it just me, or do the gurus make these choices harder in a way, by making us think that there is a right way to act or react, and creating self-judgment when we fall short of that? Yet we are not supposed to judge ourselves! I get myself all twisted up trying to figure out what would be the Zen thing to do, which is of course the opposite of Zen. 😂
I appreciate you sharing about your own experiences. You’ve got me thinking about what the “both/and” might look like. And you’ve helped me remember that I can let go of the idea of happy endings and let life unfold, with all its twists and turns, mountains and valleys, clouds and sun. ☺️
I'm another involved and loving auntie but I'm close to four friends who went through foster to eventual adoption and all are happy now. Yes the boys all had issues, yes the hassle of their biological parents vacillating on letting them go went on too long but they are all happy now. Two families. Boys from age 6 to 19 now. Have faith! And write the memoir while waiting. I adore Baja (even write a memoir about living there on a bkat for a year) but Baja will be there. I feel that you need to give the foster/adoption option another year so you won't have any regret later on about giving it up too soon.
Thanks Jennifer, I’m so grateful for your perspective! I’m interested to read about your adventures in Baja. Boat life must be similar to van life (I get seasick, so I’ll stick to the pavement!).
I’m glad to hear your friends had positive experiences adopting through foster care. It’s not an easy path, but when it works out, I’m sure it can be rewarding.
May I ask what went into your decision to be an auntie but not a mom? I love learning about all the paths people have taken in life. ☺️
We waited a long time to get pregnant, had a miscarriage, then waited to be ready and a car accident sidelined me from good health for a long time. The nieces were a life saver!